she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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