remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
