i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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