Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
my poor anus
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need a beard to bite.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
