I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
