So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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