He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize