Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
