he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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