Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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