My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
