Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
