I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
