Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
