omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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