So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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