last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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