mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
