I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
