sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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