Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
