What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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