i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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