lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
