my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
