Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
