Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
