i wish there were pregnant emoticons
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
