My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
