I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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