then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
