the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
