at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
