maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I will pee on everything he values.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize