My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
