i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
