my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
