and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
