I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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