I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
