two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
