He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
