OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
