Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
