Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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