I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize