She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
