Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
