How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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