i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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