What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
