She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
