Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
