New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
