im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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