Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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