You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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